my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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