doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
