I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
