She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
