I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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