I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
