Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
