I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We got so high we made milksteak
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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