Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
