Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
