the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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