I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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