So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
