I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
