why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
