Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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