I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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