I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
