you traded sex for a burrito?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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