Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im holly from the hills drunk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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