Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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