Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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