I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
