I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
