What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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