you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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