We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
