there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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