i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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