My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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