Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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