Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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