I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
