"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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