I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
