if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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