I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
