Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Panties = found
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