We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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