before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
