I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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