Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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