Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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