You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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