I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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