Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
