We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
