here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
