If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
