I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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