Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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